January 2023

Was just about to jut down something here for Drafts but I realize it’s the last day of January. Should I do monthly recap this year?

I guess January started out with lots of financial instability. I think I spent too much during the holidays that I forgot a lot of bills and debts I have to pay so in the middle of January, my bank account is already weeping. Lesson learned: Don’t get swayed too much by the holiday festivity.

On the fifth day, Lolo died. It wasn’t really that heartbreaking to be honest. Although I grew up with my paternal grandparents living next door, I wasn’t really close to them. It stems from the relationship they have as an immediate family I think. My father and his siblings were constantly in arguments every time they see each other. Mostly it’s about who’s going to take care of my Lolo, who has more money, who’s more neglectful. It’s tiring to hear them shout at each other when they should’ve been taking care of my Lolo. My Lolo wasn’t really that caring to his children as well, he would complain so much and would often badmouth one of his children to another. I kinda understand that it’s part of his age but I felt really bad he wasn’t able to raised sympathetic and patient children. So when he died, I just really felt sorry for him. We just went to the funeral and that’s it. I actually want to help them financially for the expenses but I know it would only add more issues than solve them.

Ever since the year started, our project at work has been put to a halt. Instead of the usual busy days where we don’t even get to have a lunch break, we’re now just waiting for them to renew the contract. Nowadays, I get time to watch Kdramas on work hours and I can even write blog entries. To be honest, it’s making me anxious. What if they don’t renew? Am I getting fired? I just started here a year ago. Are they moving me to another project? My team lead even left us now. What if they ask for onsite work? I don’t want to move out and live in Manila again. Hopefully they renew. I am not ready financially. *cross fingers*

And because of this so much free time at work, I got to pick up reading books at my phone again. I haven’t read for years now. Somehow the pandemic disrupted the flow of everything making me unable to read books – be it an ebook or a physical one. So now that I think I can finally read again, I’m thinking about getting a Kindle. I think it’s going to be worth it. No? Once our project renews and sort out my finances, I would probably get one.

The best thing about January though is I finally got some answers to the question I was mostly asked about during the holiday. While everybody else got the usual “Ba’t ang taba mo na?”, “Kelan ka ikakasal?”, I got this random small question that was probably thrown off innocently but kept me awake a lot of nights. “Bakit ka nga ba nasa Bicol?”. Sorry na daw, I wasn’t as socially independent as you are. Initially I was confused as well. I couldn’t even answer myself why I decided to move back home. But now I know it was mostly loneliness. I WAS LONELY. I spent so many years living alone in the city – invisible and barely existing. Yes, I go out with friends. I got to eat a lot of good weird new foods for my taste, I can have staycation whenever I wanted, I got to try out so many new activities. But looking back none of it really stuck well in my memories now. They were just all blurry memories that often pop up every now and then. What I remember most though was my weekend escapade alone at the malls, impromptu cinema date with myself, dine alone at restaurants that my friends rarely pick and those late at night grab ride where everything moves in complete slowmo, the buildings pass by in blurriness, the music in my earphones were much more audible, my head feels heavy and light at the same time and the cold air from the AC makes me more alone than ever. So yes, I went home because I was lonely. Maybe I wasn’t good at living alone then? I think so.

When I was around 24 years old, when kids that age thought that work was already too tiresome and was burning them out, my highschool friends and I would spend our Christmas break complaining about how much we wanted to just go back home. We’d think about how awesome it would be to have an opportunity to work in our hometown away from all the traffic and the loneliness that comes with it. We decided then to earn so much money so we can retire and go back home. I’m not sure about them but I was so serious about that plan that slice-of-life dramas about taking a break and spending life in the countryside comfort me so much. So when they asked me why I was here in Bicol for 2 years now working from home, that threw me off guard because I thought that more than anyone, they would’ve understood.

Right now, I just wanted to tell myself that it’s okay to live here in Bicol. It’s okay to live with parents for now. It’s okay if I’m not planning to move out any soon. It’s okay because I’ve been dreaming about this for years and it’s okay to temporarily drop my guard and be at ease at home. It’s okay to not worry about socializing with friends. It’s okay. It’s perfectly okay.